My Journey Now

Some of you are aware that my mother has passed. She passed away four hours after my last post to this blog. April 7, 2011 4:00 am (or 4:32 am by the time the doctor pronounced). I still don't know where I'm at emotionally...I have cried very little since, but the tears I shed each day I was with her in the hospital, could fill the worlds oceans twice over. It feels almost like I mourned her passing while watching the whole process. I think I just haven't had enough time to stop and think about the whole thing. I do find peace however, in the fact that I was able to keep my promise to her...I was holding her hand as she took her last breath. And she did it at a moment, when it seemed, like she thought would be the best for me.

My girlfriend and I had been sleeping in 4 hour shifts, she went to sleep at 12 am and I spent a moment spilling over this blog how tired I was. From 12 am to 4, I watched my mother closely, listened to her breathing, could sense almost in my spirit that her time was close, so I took her hand and whispered in her ear how much I loved her, that I know she was tired, that I've got her, and she can relax now, and she did. At that moment it was time for my girlfriend to get up, for some reason I didn't rush to wake her moments before, I was content with it being just me and my mother, but my mother and I had our last private moment, a moment before she knew I wouldn't be alone.

I kissed her, I held her hand until I felt the temperature of her body beginning to cool. I took her oxygen off and cleaned her nose and face (the oxygen had been making her nose bleed a bit)...I asked for a pair of scissors and I took a few locks of her hair for my mom's sister, who is less than a month off of a ventilator, cheating death herself, but not in any condition at all to come see my mother in the hospital, or to attend her memorial. So I wanted her to have a lock of her hair. Then Jen very lovingly brushed her hair and gave her one last kiss and then we held each other in silence, tears brimming but not quite falling. There was something peaceful and sacred about the moment, I'm certain there was a whispered promise of something after, heavy in the room.

The nurse told me "you stay as long as you want...you tell us what you want to do next, we're here for you, because this is your journey now". So, this is my journey now. I have no idea where it's going to take me, I'm a little afraid, but my mother taught me well...and though she only wore a size 5 1/2, I've got some big shoes to fill. The unwaivering support of my very few true friends and my family will see me through, as they have gotten me this far, and I know I would have cracked a long time ago without them. I'm grateful for these earthly angels. I know my mama is watching me, and I'm going to do my best to make her proud.

An Odd Fetish

I think I might have a crying fetish. Weird huh? Not that I like seeing people hurt, not at all...I believe the show of emotion may be it, then again it could be the physical aspects. It is so truthful, and so intimate, and so beautifully natural.

Society stops us from crying at times when ordinarily we might like to. We are taught not to cry at happy times, emotional times, and sad times.

Sometimes when there is the risk that the person could cry, but they aren't really crying and are still somewhat able to keep their composure (with slightly moist eyes, maybe wavering voice, heavy sighs)... it's the teetering on the EDGE that gives me the shivers! And when I sense that they are so close to the edge that there is a risk they might go over it, the reaction I feel inside goes something like this:

"Uh-ohh... omigod, no...DON'T cry...NOOOO...it's OK, it's OK..." and as I'm thinking that, I feel this sharp pain in my heart...literally, my heart aches for them!! And yet that experience of pain also brings me a jolt of something else at the same time...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t really like it when she cried.

I just loved the way it made her look.

Her eyes were always vibrant.
But, God—God, when she cried…they sparkled.
Her cheeks would turn that perfect plum, that dangerous shade of blue-crimson.
She would push her hair out of her face: in futility.
It would fall back, frazzled, crazed.
Beautiful.

I would watch her, in her less-than-silent agony,
My eyes: absorbed, ablaze. Like a hawk.
Like a vulture.

She was so real.

So vulnerable, delicate in her fragility
Passionate, with her lips pushed lightly forward.
Almost in a kiss…

Part of me wanted to be that gleam at the tip of her eyelash.
A bigger part of me wanted to be the one to push the gleam, the tear, away.

But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t be the one who loved her.
I couldn’t love her and be the one that made her cry.

It wasn’t that I wanted to make her cry…
Really, it wasn’t.

But, to me...

She was beautiful when she cried.

Confusion

I didn't write the poem below, the author is unknown...just posting it because I can't even tell you how closely I identify with this right now (a few of you would understand though).

I try to keep myself in a positive frame of mind at all times, but there are times when I just feel bombarded with one thing after another, after another, after another...times when I plead for it to stop just long enough for me to catch my breath, regroup my thoughts and consider the next step. Sometimes it seems the break is a long time coming. Those are the times my light of positivity grows a little dim...and I have to remind myself that endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one that endures that the final victory comes.

And I will keep pushing and pushing, trying to be the pillar of strength--even when I feel like crumbling...because that's all I know.

Fired Up

Glass of wine. Check. Laptop. Check. Enough raw emotion spilling forth that I NEED to sit down and rant for a minute. Check. So let me just go ahead and warn you now, Tigress is about to vent...I'm posting it in a blog so that you can freely decide "I don't wanna hear that shit" and close the window now if you so choose.

I guess first of all I need to fill you in a little bit on the dynamics of my family structure. I live next door to my mother, with my girlfriend of ten years, our houses are actually semi-connected with an open walkway between them. My mother lives with my older sister (sister is three years older than me), my niece and my oldest nephew, (which my mother has had full custody of since they were both infants) and also my youngest nephew (whom my older sister IS actually raising, he'll be two in September). Confused enough already? Just wait.

I live next door to my mother for two reasons. The first is that she is not in the best of health and though my oldest sister lives with her, *I* am the responsible one, so when anything happens, I'm the one that has to handle it. I've helped my mother through a hip replacement, a knee replacement, two heart stints, a quadruple bypass, and countless stays in the hospital. The second reason is that she is on a fixed income and because she actually owns the house I live in, we pay "rent" to her, which is effectively...half of all of her bills, so that helps her out.

Not only do we pay rent...it is also I that does virtually any repair or upkeep. Cutting the grass, replacing steps, painting, taking care of the way too damn big swimming pool, hell replacing the entire fucking corner of my house because faulty gutters had caused it to rot, (hand rearing 4 suprise baby bunnies). Yeah. I did that. And that's just a drop in the bucket.

But my mother is so ungrateful. She doesn't give me credit for a damn thing I have ever done in my life. ::taking another sip as the tears well up and impair my typing ability for a moment::

She doesn't realize that effectively, my whole life has been on hold for the past 6 years, because my priority has been to try to take care of her. She was the one that took care of my great grandmother, my grandmother, and my great aunt during their last years/months...I was her backup even then, the one to be there and help her. So I guess you can say that I was just raised to believe that when your loved ones need you, you're there. Regardless of how much it cramps your own lifestyle. Family comes first.

So, she's bitching about some things that need to be repaired right now...I have told her, not only does it take money...I do not have the skill set to fix EVERYTHING...for instance, I can pull up your damn toilet, replace your wax ring, and hook the toilet back up (add that to the list of things I've done). But I'm not a fucking plumber. There are busted pipes leaking into our yard right now that I can *not* fix...I've told her we need a plumber for that, instead she buys a trampoline. I told her no one had the money to put into that gigantic pool this year...she filled it up anyway, now the filter is broken, the water is turning green and a cracked piece of pipe is all that's keeping all 33,000 gallons from draining into the neighbors yard. (I think I can fix that though..but she's gonna keep pushing me with her ungrateful attitude and I'm telling you...I'm just gonna slip right on into the "fuck it" stage).

Needless to say, *I*...the ever responsible daughter, have been telling her she needs to get her priorities straight. I told her the house was falling apart. Her response was "I shouldn't have to take care of everything". Fucking what?! Did I just hear you right? I said to her "Is it somehow my job to finanacially take care of this house until your death, is it not enough that I do all the labor, that I've saved you countless thousands?". To which her response was "I hope the whole fuckin' thing burns down!". Fucking what?! Did I just hear you right? You just wished your house would burn down, knowing that is the home of three of your grandchildren...This is when I started crying and told her she had to be one of the most insensitive people I've ever known. Then I told her, perhaps all her fucking negativity draws negativity right to her. Told her that the universe was listening, keep talking shit. That's just the jist of it, we argued over things she likes to throw at me that aren't even closely relevant to the issue at hand.

Don't get me wrong...I love my mother. Dearly. It was just a little over two weeks ago she was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance...and I was honestly scared out of my mind. ::fighting back another well of emotion:: But what can I do when I *know* she needs me, but I might as well be fucking invisible...because that's how much my opinion (or my common sense) counts? What can I do, when I long for a little freedom of my own, but there are bigger responsibilities that need to be taken care of? What can I do when she purposely, willfully hurts me--for seemingly no reason, despite all I've done? I don't know. All I know is that my "heart" tells me I should be here...but being here causes me a little heart trouble of my own...and sometimes, I just feel broken.

3 Things

Three Things Created by andy and taken 354614 times on Bzoink
Three things that scare me:
1:	Losing a loved one
2:	Heights
3:	Violent Storms
Three people who make me laugh:
1:	Margaret Cho
2:	Carlos Mencia
3:	Kat Williams
Three Things I love:
1:	My family
2:	My animals
3:	Writing
Three Things I hate:
1:	Being lied to
2:	People that can't drive
3:	The smell of parmesan cheese
Three things I don't understand:
1:	War
2:	Politicians
3:	Racism
Three things on my desk:
1:	Pens
2:	Pepsi
3:	Camera
Three things I'm doing right now:
1:	Filling out this survey
2:	Watching TV (European Vacation)
3:	Greening my aura
Three things I want to do before I die:
1:	I want to own a new age holistic/spirituality center. (One day)
2:	I want to do some extensive traveling, exploring, leisurely touring of the world.
3:	Publish a book
Three things I can do:
1:	Digital Art
2:	Play the djembe
3:	Web design
Three ways to describe my personality:
1:	Demanding
2:	Playful
3:	Protective
Three things I can't do:
1:	I can't whistle very well (sometimes I can, sometimes I can't...it's the wierdest thing.)
2:	I can't do anything mechanically with cars (except check the fluids and pump gas) Yeah, I know that's not very butch of me lol
3:	I can cook, but I can't *bake* worth a damn. Muffins, cakes, breads...are fire hazards when left to my charge.
You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Survey | Search Surveys | Create a Survey

Blogthing: My Gift

I like this one too :-) I think it's pretty dead on.

Your Gift is Imagination

You are constantly dreaming. You are always thinking about what could be. You love to express yourself in many ways. You have a way with words and tell vivid stories. You love to be amused. You are good entertaining yourself, and other people find you hilarious. You're the type of person who finds staying happy easy. There's always fun to be had!

What's Your Gift?

Blogthing: The Jungle Test

Have you ever played around on Blogthings.com? I like to go there every now and then when I'm bored and take some of their quizzes. Most of them are of course bullshit-but sometimes the results sound eerily like myself, and I kinda like those. So here are the results to my Jungle Test.

You Are Intuitive

You are very sharp and shrewd. You can see the best and worst sides of people. (This is true, but I'm trying to focus more on the better sides of people recently.) Right now, you are seeking peace and tranquility in your life. (This is also true, I'm *mostly* a calm person...but I want to transcend calm and be genuinely, and deeply at peace...unshakeable peace.) You are drawn to people who are passionate and deep. (This is unquestionably true for me, always has been. But I'm also drawn to people who can cut loose and just don't give a fuck sometimes-in a non-destructive way, of course). You feel like there are a few minor things in your life that need to be changed.(Yeah, like a minor correction to this one, there are a few major things in my life that need to be changed...one step at a time, one step at time). You take time before you react.(Not always, I have been known to jump the gun in the past. ) You allow yourself to explore your options.(Indeed, I do.)

The Jungle Test

The Imprisoned Flame

I wrote this last night, sans electricity, in the midst of a storm. (It's actually storming right now as I post this, but at least I have electricity today, so I'm not going to complain-lest I curse myself into darkness once more).

The power is out. It has been out for almost four hours now. I have candles lit everywhere and the two rooms I can see from my seat here on the couch are awash in a warm orange glow.

So far to entertain myself, I have played the drum, tortured my guitar, watched three episodes of American Dad and one episode of the Squidbillies on my media player. I'm thankful it was charged-my phone wasn't so lucky, it was dead as hell with no way to charge it...so no twitter buddies to share my dark ordeal with. Sickening and frightening, our dependance upon technology. Electricity, phone, internet...granted, I'm addicted to them all. Ah, but technology is a fickle master, lulling you into a false sense of security--prepared to desert you at any time.

As I contemplated this fact, I fell into the trance of watching two candles, side by side. One candle, a small tealight in an aluminum container, meant either for emergencies or for setting into a much nicer container. Small, inexpensive, and simple-you can get a bag of 100 of them for like 4 bucks. The other, a dancing flame within a glass, "king of spades" candle holder.

Staring, mezmerized by the candles, I noticed the small tealight-the candle with it's flame free and uncovered, exposed to all outer elements, was barely moving...it was so still it looked as if it were in a state of suspended animation--it almost didn't seem real. Though I'm quite sure it would singe my flesh if I were to touch it. The other candle, the one in the fancy "king of spades" candle holder, is dancing madly, wildly...like an illuminated prisoner struggling to escape the confines of it's glass prison.

As I watched, I wondered how this could be...that two candles could be right next to each other, and one be so obviously in turmoil as the other remains peacefully still, virtually unmoved. I found it more surprising, almost ironic that it was the sheltered, protected candle that so adamantly wished to escape, each flicker a dance of sheer turbulence as the flame licked the sides of the candle holder.

I couldn't help but to think to myself, that people are alot like these two candles. Give them freedom, allow them to shine and illuminate the world...and they remain at peace. Calm. Still. Unmoved by the winds of change. Confine them, limit them, and their flame struggles to be set free, unable to fully fulfill their purpose to illuminate--to shine--to bring a gentle glow to the world. At the same time, I became aware of how the attributes of these two flames can exist within the same soul. One--calm, serene, open, glowing...the other--caged, violent, flickering back and forth between light and dark, constant struggle to be free of the glass walls that protect us, and at the very same time imprisons us within ourselves.

Is it best for us to stay behind the glass for the sake of shelter? Or is it best to take a chance--that we will not only still burn brightly, but infinitely more beautifully when we risk the exposure, despite our vulnerabilities, to shine beyond the walls?

I think my answer came about an hour ago...when the king of spades candle holder shattered out of nowhere, completely untouched--a tiny explosion of glass, in the floor, all over the countertop on which it sat.

The madly flickering flame had escaped.

Thinking...Thinking...Thinking

I've been reading some deep blogs lately. Beautiful blogs in which people freely bare their souls, sharing their thoughts, their hopes, their fears, their past,their present, and their dreams of the future. You might say "Tigress, that's what all blogs do, that's what they're for". Wrong. Not like this. I connect to these blogs in a way I never have before. I don't know why it's taken me so long to find these blogs or these wonderful, down to earth, real people. I guess I was just looking in the wrong place. (Thank you Twitter, you piss me off sometimes...but you've opened up a whole new world to me, and for that...I still love you).

To those of you that are brave and open enough to do this, I envy you. See, I am one of those that typically hides my emotion beneath a charming smile (unless it's anger, I can sometimes express that emotion far too easily, but I'm working on that). I've always been one to try to handle my shit on my own and I keep my negative emotion's bottled, hidden away--tucked neatly back into that dark space of my soul where no one else can see it...I don't know if it's because deep down I don't want to feel I'm putting a burden upon someone else, or if fear just keeps me from finding the right words, or if it's just trust issues with the world in general.

I can write fiction or fantasy all day long (can't promise it would be good, but I could write it). Ask me to sit down and write a simple paragraph about how I "feel"...and I'd be stumped. Perhaps it's not "stumped" as much as it is so many things would come flooding to the surface at once, it seems it would be impossible to recover one pearl of coherent thought from the tide.

But these blogs have me thinking, deep thoughts. Good and bad. These blogs have not only inspired so much creative expression within me...they have inspired the urge for emotional expression as well, a need to open up. A purging, a cleansing if you will. 

I haven't quite worked up the courage to lay it all on the line yet, but I feel the tide rolling in.

Update: Oh, and I think I'm PMS'ing (look, that's personal...this could be the start of something good) 

5 Things You Want Your Kids To Know

1.  I want you to know how to win and lose gracefully.

-You can stand tall without standing on someone-and you can be a victor without having victims.

-"You're not obligated to win, you're obligated to keep trying to do the best you can, everyday."-Marian Wright Edelman

2. I want you to learn how to be respectful towards others at all times.

-Every human being, of whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect others, even as we respect ourselves. 

-"Respect for ourselves guides our morals, respect for others guides our manners."-Laurence Sterne

3. I want you to learn-and truly know what it means to love. 

-Love and kindess are never wasted, in it's sincere form--it blesses both the giver, and the recipient. Understand that some people in your life may come and go--that never diminishes the love shared, for the love you put out there, made the world more beautiful from that moment on. 

4. I want you to learn responsibility. 

-I want you to learn that your word is your bond...how to stand up like a man and admit to your mistakes when you make them, and to try your best to correct them when you do. We will all make mistakes, no one is perfect...I want you to take the high road of strength and honesty. When you make a commitment or a promise, keep it--and always, above all--cherish, protect, love & provide for any precious life you bring into this world. 

-"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me, or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, (see number 1) only I hold the key to my destiny." -Elaine Maxwell

5. I want you to know that you are loved--unconditionally. There may be times when we don't like each other very much...there will be times when we fight, argue, & generally disagree...I realize that's part of you growing up, finding yourself, and finding your own voice-your transformation from boy to man. Know that every rule I imposed, everytime I grounded you, everytime I forced you to look me in the eyes and listen to me...despite that "I can't stand you" look in your eyes...I did it to teach you something to take with you throughout your life, something that will make you a stronger, better man in your future, in the long run. No matter what you have done, no matter what you do--you are loved, and my love will not waiver. 

Those were my 5 things--but I just have to expound a little bit more...things I've read or heard worthy of passing on. 

• Don't go for looks, they can decieve. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile.
• There are moments in life when you really miss someone so much that you want to pick them up from your dreams and hug them. Hope you dream of that someone.
• Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you are here, NOW. Try to enjoy it. 
• May you have: Enough happiness to make you sweet-enough trials to make you strong-enough sorrow to keep you human-enough hope to make you happy-and enough money to keep you comfortable. 
• When one door of happiness closes, another opens. Be we often took so long staring at the closed door, that we don't see the one that's been opened for us. Don't stare too long at the door.
• The best kind of friend is one you could sit on a porch, swing with, never saying a word and then walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've ever had. Friends like this are rare, so when you find one--try to keep them, but if you can't...know that you were both blessed by the experience. 
• Always put yourself in other's shoes. If you feel it hurts you, it probably hurts them too.
• A careless word may kindle a strife-A cruel word may wreck a life-A timely word may level stress-A lovely word may heal and bless
• The beginning of love is to let those we love to be perfectly themselves and not to twist them with our own image, otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
  

I really could go on and on with this blog--there are so many things you wish to instill in your children--but as much as we try to teach them, ultimately we have to have the strength and faith to let them go, let them fly--and trust that they were listening, at least to the important stuff. 

This Or That--Music

(Ahem--as you can see I don't listen to metal/hard rock very much...though I consider myself musically diverse, alot of that shit is just hard to listen to. It gives me a headache.)--and what, no country or blues category? Ah I guess that would have made this survey on the lengthy side--(drumroll) And now for my Music This or That-

This or That: Music Created by flyboy51 and taken 3 times on Bzoink
Metal/Hard Rock
Disturbed or Godsmack?:	Godsmack
Rage Against the Machine or Anti-Flag?:	Rage Against The Machine
Korn or Limp Bizkit?:	Limp Bizkit
Linkin Park or Nine Inch Nails?:	Nine Inch Nails
Dropkick Murphys or Flogging Molly?:	Never heard of them
Metallica or Pantera?:	Metallica
Machine Head or Arch Enemy?:	Machine Head
Devildriver or Bury Your Dead?:	Never heard of them
Slayer or Iron Maiden?:	Iron Maiden
Guns N Roses or Motley Crue?:	Ohhhh tough one---Guns N Roses I guess
Dimmu Borgir or Behemoth?:	Never heard of them
Cannibal Corpse or Decapitated?:	Never heard of them
Shinedown or Theory of a Deadman?:	Shinedown
As I Lay Dying or All That Remains?:	Never heard of them
Lamb Of God or Mudvayne?:	Never heard of them
Seether or Three Days Grace?:	Seether
Avenged Sevenfold or Breaking Benjamin?:	Nevery heard of them
Throwdown or Hatebreed?:	Never heard of them
Amon Amarth or Children of Bodom?:	Never heard of them
Five Finger Death Punch or Mastodon?:	Never heard of them
Rob Zombie or Marilyn Manson?:	Rob Zombie
Staind or System of a Down?:	Staind
Classic Rock
The Beatles or Rolling Stones?:	The Beatles
AC/DC or Aerosmith?:	Aerosmith
Chicago or Boston?:	Boston
The Animals or Monkees?:	Monkees
CCR or America?:	America
BTO or REO?:	REO
Bad Company or Free?:	Bad Company
Lynyrd Skynyrd or Neil Young?:	Lynyrd Skynyrd
Jefferson Airplane or Badfinger?:	Jefferson Airplane
Black Sabbath or Led Zeppelin?:	Led Zeppelin
Cream or Nazareth?:	Cream
Bob Seger or Bruce Springsteen?:	Bob Seger
Buffalo Springfield or The Byrds?:	The Byrds
Elvis Presley or Chuck Berry?:	Ah come on! Can you really compare these two--they're totally different
Deep Purple or The Eagles?:	The Eagles
The Doors or The Doobie Brothers?:	The Doors
Grand Funk Railroad or The Guess Who?:	Grand Funk Railroad
The Who or The Hollies?:	The Who
The Human League or The Buggles?:	The Human League
John Cougar Mellencamp or Journey?:	Can't choose--I like them both almost equally
Kansas or The Police?:	The Police
Rap
DMX or Notorious B.I.G.?:	Notorious B.I.G
Eminem or 50 Cent?:	Eminem
Flo Rida or Kanye West?:	Flo Rida
Young Jeezy or T-Pain?:	T-Pain
G-Unit or D12?:	D12
Ice-T or Ice Cube?:	Ice Cube
N.W.A. or Public Enemy?:	Public Enemy
Lil Jon or Lil Wayne?:	Lil Jon (Yayahhhhh!! What?!)
Ludacris or LL Cool J?:	Ludacris
Savage or Snoop Dogg?:	Snoop Dogg
Slim Thug or Young Buck?:	Young Buck
Soulja Boy Tell Em or T.I.?:	T.I.
Three Six Mafia or Mobb Deep?:	Three Six Mafia
Tupac or Dr. Dre?:	Tupac
You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Survey | Search Surveys | Create a Survey

Take 5 Tuesday

5 things you’ve read recently.~1. The Practice of Bodhisattva Dharma 2. Read about the Prop 8 decision 3. Read a few of my favorite blogs--which shall remain nameless to prevent rioting lol. 4. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle 5. Practical Wabi Sabi

5 sites you’ve signed up for.~1. MySpace 2. Blogger 3. Shutterfly 4.Flickr 5. YouTube

5 shows you’ve watched lately.~1. Cheaters 2. WifeSwap 3. Life After People 4. Housewives of ATL 5. Paranormal State

5 things you want right now.~1. A Hot Krispy Kreme donut 2. Clothes Dryer to be repaired 3. Some funyuns and a strawberry soda 4. Sunshine 5. To lose a couple of pounds and tone up the sexy pysique. 

5 things on your grocery list.~1. Dog Food 2. Milk 3. Cereal 4. Chicken 5. Fresh Fruit