My Journey Now

Some of you are aware that my mother has passed. She passed away four hours after my last post to this blog. April 7, 2011 4:00 am (or 4:32 am by the time the doctor pronounced). I still don't know where I'm at emotionally...I have cried very little since, but the tears I shed each day I was with her in the hospital, could fill the worlds oceans twice over. It feels almost like I mourned her passing while watching the whole process. I think I just haven't had enough time to stop and think about the whole thing. I do find peace however, in the fact that I was able to keep my promise to her...I was holding her hand as she took her last breath. And she did it at a moment, when it seemed, like she thought would be the best for me.

My girlfriend and I had been sleeping in 4 hour shifts, she went to sleep at 12 am and I spent a moment spilling over this blog how tired I was. From 12 am to 4, I watched my mother closely, listened to her breathing, could sense almost in my spirit that her time was close, so I took her hand and whispered in her ear how much I loved her, that I know she was tired, that I've got her, and she can relax now, and she did. At that moment it was time for my girlfriend to get up, for some reason I didn't rush to wake her moments before, I was content with it being just me and my mother, but my mother and I had our last private moment, a moment before she knew I wouldn't be alone.

I kissed her, I held her hand until I felt the temperature of her body beginning to cool. I took her oxygen off and cleaned her nose and face (the oxygen had been making her nose bleed a bit)...I asked for a pair of scissors and I took a few locks of her hair for my mom's sister, who is less than a month off of a ventilator, cheating death herself, but not in any condition at all to come see my mother in the hospital, or to attend her memorial. So I wanted her to have a lock of her hair. Then Jen very lovingly brushed her hair and gave her one last kiss and then we held each other in silence, tears brimming but not quite falling. There was something peaceful and sacred about the moment, I'm certain there was a whispered promise of something after, heavy in the room.

The nurse told me "you stay as long as you want...you tell us what you want to do next, we're here for you, because this is your journey now". So, this is my journey now. I have no idea where it's going to take me, I'm a little afraid, but my mother taught me well...and though she only wore a size 5 1/2, I've got some big shoes to fill. The unwaivering support of my very few true friends and my family will see me through, as they have gotten me this far, and I know I would have cracked a long time ago without them. I'm grateful for these earthly angels. I know my mama is watching me, and I'm going to do my best to make her proud.